Get Smart

"Is this the power button?": Max and 99 at work

By the time I was a little sprout in the 1970's, my future work in television was confirmed thanks to watching our spanking new TV as much as I could. Angels said good morning to Charlie, the Fonz said hey and Arnold wondered what Willis was talkin' about. But nothing came close to the masterful and suspense-filled sitcom showcasing the irreplaceable Don Adams as Max and the mesmerizing Barbara Feldon as Agent 99 in Get Smart. And 99 was who I wanted to be - smart, sassy, always knowing how to handle any situation and all that 1970's satin just made a complete fan out of me. I mean, we didn't even know her real name, she was that mysterious. When it was time to remove my bicycle training wheels, my belief that 99 would definitely manage on two wheels helped me get it together on my bike to wobble down the street gripping my handlebars. She probably wouldn't have kept a front flower basket holding her Barbie dolls, but whatever; I channeled my mini-99 for at least one block before skidding off into the bushes and scraping both knees with aplomb. Victory was mine!

Fast forward many years later and it's time once again to access my Inner Agent 99. Complicated international development politics and contradictions? Nope. Bureaucratic donor reporting and partnership issues? Ha! I wish. Figuring out how to work my new android phone to track my data usage and to find the nearest Trader Joe's? That's what I'm talking about, people. The smartphone. 

Those phones sure are smart. And there are many of them, lurking in wait for the unsuspecting customer. I swear I could feel them watching me from their display cases as I walked by. Apple or Samsung? Widgets vs Apps. AT&T, Verizon, T-Mobile or pre-paid? What is a widget, anyway? I ask because I just saw yesterday that I have many of them on my phone homepage (when I can get to it.) Instagram now has a photo of my socks and I'm not sure how it got there; pinterest sends me pictures of cooking results on a board I can't find anymore. Twitter remains a distant possibility but for someone as high context as me, I think it would just be the last draw to summarize anything in a handful of words...or tweets, come to think of it.

CC: "I have ways of making you speak to me!"

It is not easy to select a smartphone. Here in California, the question of what kind of smartphone to get is 99% of the time met with the most incredulous of stares. It is the home of Apple and Steve Jobs, after all. Thus the idea that anyone would consider anything else is about as unbelievable as getting charged for rice in Chinatown! Expressions of such wonder over what possible reality could unfold through such a question. After surveying about 100 people over the last few months and getting some pretty strong reactions, ("oh, I thought you meant which iphone to buy...you mean you might buy something other than an iphone?!  I have no idea what to suggest...I just would never think of anything besides a mac/iphone...")  I gave up and made my own independent decision. The fact that the LA County School district just ordered new ipads for all the students speaks yet again to the GENIUS that was Steve Jobs. I do love going into an Apple store and just touching everything there - and who doesn't love every single second of the heart warming iPhone photo every day and music every day commercials? The piano music just grabs me from the first note...that little girl in the pink bunny suit taking her own picture fills my eyes every time...the guy running while snapping a shot is just the model of multi tasking....and the uber fit girl jumping rope to her own beat is one cool chick and did I mention I want her abs?....and then, and then, and then....

My questioning does not intend to give flack to the mac. It's simply born out of an innate curiosity about what motivates people to do what they do, and the basic fact that THIS GIRL NEEDS SOME TECH HELP FOLKS! And it's not just what people use, it's how they use it and what people have stopped doing that's so interesting. Here's a sample of the tech advice I've received since returning back to the States:

"if you buy that smartphone, you'll have lower apps access --only about 30,000. This one over here, has access to about 45,000." - so that's what's been missing in my life: 15,000 apps.

"No one picks up the phone and calls anyone. A text message is the only thing that gets answered." (more than a few people have added, "oh and Claude, no one says 'sms' in the states. They send a text, not an sms.")

"If you call people without first sending a text saying you will call, people are less likely to answer the phone. Or they'll think you're in trouble and calling for help because it's so out of the blue."

"Why would I call someone? If I did, then I'd have to listen to everything they say." --my personal favorite tip. That person better not have been talking about me.

Getting all those insights reminded me of the secret Starbucks menu  - once you are in the know, the world is simply a different place.

"buy a biscotti and give it to the barista..."

I like sending texts. I like getting them. And I also like hearing someone's voice on the phone. But time marches on, phone or no phone. I get it, the value of texts is great because its quick, convenient, and gets around bad reception --both the phone and personal kind. It helps to secure a more customized way to manage communication and can be less distracting than a phone call. And if there is one word that sums up coming back home to sort out what one wants in a phone, it is customization for sure. I find it funny that on a regular basis, I receive text messages that easily took longer to type out than to just call directly.  But come to think of it, that perspective more likely means I'm a slow phone typer. Apparently, it's true --as a 40+ year old, I am automatically on the wrong end of the Bell curve when it comes to driving in the fast lane of the tech highway. Maybe I'm not even to the on-ramp yet?

To be clear, I love my new smart phone. I just don't love being so outsmarted. Does it even make sense to have a smartphone in the age of ipads and the like, I wonder. Any tips out there? Hello? Can anyone hear me?

Maybe I should text you instead.

The final choice. Where is 99 when I  need her?